Alright folks, let's get real about something that's been bugging me since my third Baldur's Gate 3 playthrough: what if we actually MARRIED these companions? Like, full Faerûn wedding bells, shared camp inventory, 'til death do us part kinda deal? I've seen enough chaotic romance cutscenes to wonder... how long would these marriages ACTUALLY last? Grab some popcorn because we're diving deep into this based on my 500+ hours across every patch - including the latest 2025 updates!
Minthara: Doom from Day One
Look, I get the appeal - that voice, those eyes, the whole 'I'll murder for you' vibe. But marriage material? Hah! 🚩 You'd be signing divorce papers before the honeymoon ends. Who wants to sleep with one eye open wondering if your spouse will sacrifice you to Lolth? Hard pass. Maybe if you're into toxic redemption arcs... but my therapist bills would bankrupt me faster than a Wizard's Tower restoration project.
Minsc: Adorable Disaster
Okay technically not romanceable, but hear me out! That golden retriever energy is tempting. Until you realize:
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He'd accidentally turn the kitchen into a mimic-fighting arena 🪓
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Boo would demand alimony in cashews
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You'd handle ALL adult responsibilities
Sweetest guy in Faerûn? Absolutely. Functional life partner? Not a chance. The constant 'BUTT-KICKING FOR GOODNESS!' would drive anyone insane by month three.
Lae'zel: Commitment Issues Incarnate
Gods, she's fun during the adventure phase! But marriage? 🤣 Imagine coming home to armor grease on the carpets, githyanki philosophical rants during dinner, and zero domestic awareness. That 'long-term relationship' look? Nowhere in her stunning reptilian eyes. Plus she'd 100% file for divorce over your 'inefficient dishwashing technique'. Great warrior, terrible wife material.
Astarion: Secrets & Silk Sheets
Oh darling, the DRAMA. Yes, he'd make your home look like a Vampire Digest spread. But:
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200 years of emotional baggage? Check
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Sunlight compatibility issues? Check
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Mysterious 'business trips' at night? Double check
Still... that voice could convince me to sign a prenup against my better judgment. Would the marriage last? Depends if you consider eternal undeath 'long-term'. Personally? I'd give it a passionate 18 months max before the coffin slams shut.
Jaheira: Stable but... Soulless?
Pros:
✅ Financially responsible
✅ Great communicator
✅ Won't burn down the house
Cons:
⚠️ Zero romance - it'd feel like a corporate merger
⚠️ 'Netflix & Chill' means discussing Harper budgets
Solid? Absolutely. But if you want sparks? Better date a sorcerer. For pragmatic types only. Though she DOES make killer herbal tea...
Karlach: Heartbreaking Literally
MY SWEET INFERNO WIFE! 🔥 She's got:
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Golden retriever energy
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Killer hugs (literally)
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Unmatched loyalty
But here's the dealbreaker: that ticking time-bomb heart. Fix it? You've got decades of joyful barbarian marriage. Fail? Well... let's just say the 'til death do us part' clause activates prematurely. 2025 patch made her endings less tragic but STILL. I cry every time.
Gale: Magic & Mayhem
Pros:
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Charming dinner conversations about the Weave
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Would actually help with chores (via magic!)
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Unlimited prestidigitation for stain removal
Cons:
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Might accidentally absorb grandma's heirloom ring
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That whole 'orb instability' thing
If you cure his condition? Perfect wizard husband material. Otherwise? Let's say... explosive arguments take on new meaning. 💥
Wyll: My Personal Bias
Okay I ADMIT IT - I romanced him in three playthroughs! Why?
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That noble spirit (without the stuck-up vibe)
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He's been through toxic relationships so COMMUNICATES
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Devilishly handsome post-2025 character model updates
Plus his dad's a duke! Fancy family dinners! 🤵♂️ Sure he's overly principled sometimes, but I'll take that over Minthara's murder tendencies any day. Marriage longevity? Decades if you don't mind heroic detours.
Shadowheart: The Slow Burn
The ultimate redemption arc wife! Help her ditch Shar and:
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You become her first real family
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She actually OFFERS TO DO DISHES (!!!)
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That goth gf aesthetic ages like fine wine
Post-2025 patches made her Good path even more rewarding. That shared trauma? Turns into unbreakable bonds. Only downside? Expect passive-aggressive flower arranging if you forget anniversary dates.
Halsin: Bear With Me... Literally
PERFECTION. Fight me. This gentle giant druid has:
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Infinite patience
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Eco-friendly home solutions
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Bear hug security system
He splits chores 50/50, remembers your favorite berries, and radiates stability. Also:
🐻 Wildshape babysitting? Sorted
🌿 Organic garden? Flourishing
💑 Relationship drama? Non-existent
Divorce? Inconceivable! Unless you hate nature, I guess... but who hates TREES?! Marriage material GOAT since the game launched.
So what's my 2026 dream? Larian PLEASE add actual wedding ceremonies in DLC! I need to see Halsin in druidic matrimonial robes or Wyll doing a Blade of Frontiers vow dance. Until then... happy romancing, and may your dice rolls be ever in favor of lasting love! 💍🎲